At age 7, my best friend turned against me.
Her views changed toward me.
From being so similar, I felt so different.
It felt excruciating to me.
I remember standing in the middle of the playground wondering, what the hell happened?
It was a turning point for me.
Unfortunately, I made decisions that were not favourable to my well-being.
- I blamed myself
- I kept my emotions and thoughts tucked up inside
- I hung around for 4 years in a group which I did not feel comfortable with and did not really treat me well
- I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole
In my 30’s I made a conscious decision to never do that again. I surrounded myself with similar types of people.
It was an interesting experiment.
Firstly, I started to learn who I was and what I liked.
One of the friendships I made in that time was a woman who became very dear to me.
When her first child came along, it was such a celebration. I felt so trusted when asked to be godmother.
As the years passed, it was clear that empathy was not given to the pain I felt from being childless or single.
The words and feelings were hard to articulate at the time, which made things challenging.
One day, she shared her pain of not being able to fall pregnant with her third child.
Instead of feeling complete compassion I became overwhelmed with feelings of anger, hurt and upset.
The relationship soon ruptured.
It was sad and painful.
But this time I had support to make wise and thoughtful choices.
I did not change myself into any other shape than my own.
I did not abandon myself.
I felt all my feelings in full.
Over the years I’ve only had one other friendship, linked to my childlessness, which ruptured.
After the loss of my first IVF treatment, she made a comment that hurt, around my inability to be happy for her with the birth of her second child.
I hit the roof.
All the pain and rage seeped through and 45 years’ worth flowed all over this friendship.
The mistakes I made thinking that I needed to be there for others, while them not seeing or considering my pain, was so incredibly strong.
It got messy!
As life does!
Can you relate? Do you have similar stories?
I cannot take back the past, but I can learn from it.
And forgiving myself.
I have gone back and whispered to my heart and that little girl within ….
“It’s ok darling.
It’s sad when friends disappoint and can’t meet our needs at times.
I’m here now.
We are ok.
We have a different journey and it will be amazing.
We can let go a little bit and allow them to be.
You are ok to be.
I have you now little one!”
What is it you need?
“Yes – lets stay here a little while, stop and receive”.
Filling myself up.
Deciding that I belong – regardless of what others think, believe, or can do, and give me.
Others, at times, cannot be pushed into different shaped holes either.
Some people can see and empathise.
The question is, can we embrace ourselves and our difference?
Can we be brave and find people that understand and have gone through similar experiences?
Learning that we matter, and so do others.
Being considerate to ourselves and to others’ differences.
So today, I grieve the loss and the mistake I made as a very young child.
I don’t blame her – she did not know.
I forgive my parents for teaching me behaviours that did not serve the world and I.
Doing the work that my parents were not able to teach me.
Finding teachers that have this knowledge and wisdom.
We are all squares at the end of the day finding our way in life.
Do we just need to find our tribes and walk side by side with them?
Listening to others and allowing ourselves to tell our stories and experiences.
Supporting and being supported through our life experience of childlessness.
Is it not our experience and journey to walk through?
Today we can decide to belong in communities that we feel comfortable and accepted in.
Today we can decide to lovingly detach from communities that we no longer feel comfortable in.
We can gently embrace our childlessness – as painful as it can be at times.
Allowing ourselves to be ourselves.
Allowing ourselves and lives to be messy at times.
This is no mean feat.
It’s scary to be messy right? Different can feel painful.
But there are communities out there – including this one – that accepts you just the way you are.
No more. No less.
What if you just decided, I belong.
No matter how different you feel.
No matter what you do or don’t know.
No matter what others say or don’t say.
If you’d like to join a circle of childless women who are exploring themselves through the power of the healing arts and their creativity, doors are opening …. very soon. xxxx